Two weeks ago, one of the nurses in the chemo suite advised me to "go with the flow" with respect to the exhaustion and the body's need to sleep, and that was excellent advice. This is also the case with the mental fuzziness, or chemo-brain, that accompanies this course of treatment. I have no need to fight these side effects. Although there is a teeny part of me that worries about the work I am not getting done, my body needs the sleep, and sleep is an extraordinary restorative process. It is, counter-intuitively, a beautiful thing to witness from the inside out what my body does to heal itself; to remain as healthy and functional as possible in the face of toxicity. Now I'm not "going with the flow" with the nausea as much. Instead, I am doing what I can to counteract it through both medication and diet. And yet, nausea too is a sign of my body's automatic processes of managing the assault of chemotherapy. It is not fun, and it is not pretty; it is in fact rather shitty. But when we view that as the response of an otherwise healthy body, it can also be viewed as a sign of resiliency and strength.
Emotional resiliency is tougher to achieve, but I am finding that recognizing and embracing the ability of my body to manage the physical side effects helps me shift my frame to one that is more psychologically manageable. Drugs help, too, no doubt about it. So in some ways, going with the flow with respect to the emotional and psychological toll of this means embracing the fact that getting the help of anti-anxiety medicines and occasional sedatives is not a sign of weakness, but rather can indicate strength. (See my post on strength and grace.)
In addition to my body's automatic responses that indicate resiliency, I am celebrating a very good second week post-infusion. I was able to eat regularly, and actually exercised a few times, albeit lightly. What gifts! These are things to celebrate. And now, as I wrap up this post, the Ativan is taking effect, and I am beginning to fade into loopy-land. I will be going with this flow with humor, confidence, and as celebratory a tone as I can muster.
Cheers, Y'All!
Lara, I had the privilege of sitting with you during today's treatment and your pre-treatment medical appointment. All my positive impressions have been reinforced. Dr. MGP is great and the infusion center is a very professional, high quality operation with a fine personal touch -- even upbeat, if there is such a thing for cancer chemotherapy. I was also impressed with your perspective, insightful dialog with your providers, and general attitude.
ReplyDeleteNow a few hours later, still no nausea, but at the cost of fairly heavy sedation. With both lorazepam (Ativan) given IV to help prevent nausea, plus a dose of prochlorperazine (Compazine) -- another anti-nauseant with sedative properties when she arrived home, you're sleeping comfortably and apparently without nausea so far.
A big hug and a kiss--- Dr. Dad
Lara: Another wonderful, insightful, uplifting post by you. And I'm glad Dr. Dad could be there with you.
ReplyDeleteMuch love, Mom
Lara, your ability to see (and convey to us) that there can actually be a positive side of chemo is both remarkable and inspiring! And, besides your sense of humor, you also seem to have a very good balance between what you can do something about (anti-nausea medication) and where going with the flow is the best approach (being in sleepy la la-land really does not sound too bad). Just understanding that balance must be another way you are helping your body heal. Cathrine PS. That cocktail really does look good:-)
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