MRI results, moving on to surgery

Actually, this post might be better titled "chemo results," as the MRI I had last week was meant to help us see the results of my first course of chemotherapy. But whatever we decide to call it, the results are wonderful: Nothing detectable shows up at all in either my lymph nodes or at the site where the largest tumor was. N-O-T-H-I-N-G. At the site of the smaller tumor, something that measures 2mm appears; however, it is not well defined. Could it be residual tumor? Yes. However, it could also be scar tissue or DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ, a non-invasive form of cancer). If it's the latter, it was likely there before the invasive cancer grew and was just not previously detected or biopsied. It is impossible to tell for sure what it is by just looking at the MRI, and so we'll have to wait until about a week post surgery to find out the pathology of that tiny little mass that is in there. Either way, it is TEENY and will come out with the rest of my breast and lymph nodes in a couple of days. So, I am thrilled with these results! *SLAP! SLAP SLAP SLAP!!!* Can we get a collective WOOT WOOT! from the crowd?

Some of you might be asking yourselves what my oncologist was actually feeling at the site of the largest tumor last week if the MRI shows nothing there. When she had me feel there a week ago, I couldn't feel anything, but she said she could and I figure she's got a lot more practice and skill at feeling lumps in peoples' breasts than I do! So, today she said she might have just been feeling normal densities in the breast, and I do have dense breasts. (Sorry if this is TMI. It's amazing how a breast cancer diagnosis can make someone perfectly comfortable talking candidly about one's breasts, both in private face-to-face conversations and in the blogosphere. Breast breast breast breast breast!) Anyway, I am still holding out hope of being in the 45% who go into a remission after just the 12 week course of chemo.

So my thoughts have turned to this Friday's surgery. Several friends have asked me how I'm feeling about it, and because my feelings are all over the place, it's a difficult question to answer. However, I'm so grateful for those who have asked, as I think it's something I've needed to talk about more than I have been. I'm really not worried about the surgery itself. I've been under general anesthesia before (and it's great, by the way). All along I've said that I'm not bothered by losing a breast. I mean, let's be honest: It is trying to kill me. I have no desire or need at this point to have reconstructive surgery because I just have not viewed my breast as a significant part or contributor to who I am as a person. Also, I'm not a very good candidate for reconstruction or implants. And yet, I have felt very anxious in the past couple of weeks leading up to the surgery. I think that's because regardless of the emotional and physical significance, or lack thereof, that I place on my breast and it's removal, this is still unknown territory. I simply cannot say how I will feel after it's done. I anticipate feeling better; relieved and with a concrete knowledge of what I currently can only vaguely imagine: The absence of a body part that has always been present, at least since puberty. And that's the thing. I still don't know, and so this falls under the frustrating and scary categories in which we file so many things in our lives and in our imaginations: THINGS I CAN'T CONTROL and THINGS I CAN'T YET KNOW. And that's not easy for catastrophist control freaks like me. :-)